tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71486915763311653682024-02-20T04:40:24.827-08:00Sherlock TamWordsSherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-22989475586832380052017-12-18T17:24:00.000-08:002018-07-03T11:31:31.734-07:00On "Disrespecting" Those in Power If you are more concerned about the people you view as honorable being disrespected than you are about those who are at risk being harmed, your priorities are completely backward.<br />
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It's amazing how reliably those people who question the behavior of those with power can count on being shouted down with the claim that they are "dishonoring" a person or institution.<br />
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- People who criticize the rate of murder by police are dismissed because they are "disrespecting police."<br />
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- People who criticize the racialized aspect of murders committed by police are dismissed as "disrespecting veterans." (?)<br />
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- People who criticize sexual assault are dismissed as "disrespecting men."<br />
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- People who criticize spousal abuse are dismissed as "disrespecting the role of the husband."<br />
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- People who criticize war crimes are dismissed as "disrespecting the military."<br />
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- People who criticize dishonest and unethical behavior by the president are dismissed as "disrespecting the office of president."<br />
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- People who criticize the gun violence epidemic or systemic racism are dismissed as "disrespecting America." (?)<br />
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- People who criticize spiritual and ethical abuses by pastors are dismissed as "disrespecting the church."<br />
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Except none of those things is disrespectful. Conversely, the refusal to accept critique and accountability is the one thing most likely to result in the moral destruction of any person, group or institution.<br />
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Jesus pointedly criticized those with power far more than he criticized anyone else.<br />
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Those who criticize and try to hold people and institutions accountable are not attempting to do any sort of harm. They are attempting to do the one thing that can bring healing.<br />
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<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-10511616037332742382017-10-31T15:13:00.000-07:002018-07-03T11:32:27.291-07:00On How to Regard Our Emotions<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 13px; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I’ve been sitting here pondering how we should best temper our emotions as we go through our lives </span>—<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> choice-making and doing things and whatnot. In my mind are quotes from Christian thinkers and others about how we shouldn’t be led by our emotions or focus too much on them in our lives or our spirituality. But</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">I wonder now: “Why?”</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I believe this bent to minimize, push aside, or say “not too much,” or “not too important,” about our emotions is rooted in the same sexist thinking we’ve been dealing with for millennia. The same “complementarian” farce that says women are great but also intrinsically different (and slightly less important). </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">The thinking among many “progressive” theological (and other) thinkers today is that emotions are important and should not be looked down upon. But they are also not most essential or particularly reliable.</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This is the same as the idea that the feminine is “emotional” (which is a negative), while the masculine is unemotional/rational (which is a positive). “Sure, emotions are a big part of our lives and can bring us lots of lovely moments, but we should not give them primacy, look to them for ultimate meaning or base decisions upon them.” It brings me back to countless Mother’s Day sermons I’ve been present for, when how “amazing and important” women are extolled to be before each is gifted with a flower and then returned to nursery care from whence they came. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Brennan Manning powerfully speaks on this issue in his book, Abba’s Child:</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>“To ignore, repress or dismiss our feelings is to fail to listen to the stirrings of the Spirit within our emotional life. Jesus listened. In John’s gospel, we are told that Jesus was moved with the deepest emotions (11:33). In the book of Matthew we see that His anger erupted: “Hypocrites! It was you Isaiah meant when he so rightly prophesied: This people honors me only with lip-service, while their hearts are far from me. The worship they offer me is worthless” (15:7-9). He called the crowd to intercessory prayer because “he felt sorry for them because they were harassed and dejected, like sheep without a shepherd” (9:36). When He saw the widow of Nain, “he felt sorry for her” (Luke 7:13). … Grief and frustration spontaneously broke through when “as he drew near and came in sight of the city he shed tears over it and said, ‘peace’” (Luke 19:41). Jesus abandoned all emotional restraint when He roared, “The devil is your father, and you prefer to do what your father wants,” (John 8:44). We hear more than a hint of irritation when, dining at Simon’s house in Bethany, Jesus said “Leave her alone. Why are you upsetting her?” (Mark 14:6). We hear utter frustration in the words “How much longer must I be with you?” (Matthew 17:17), unmitigated rage in “Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to my path” (16:23), extraordinary sensitivity in “Somebody touched me. I felt that power had gone out from me” (Luke 8:36), and blazing wrath in “Take all this out of here and stop turning my Father’s house into a market” (John 2:16). We have spread so many ashes over the historical Jesus that we scarcely feel the glow of His presence anymore. He is a man in a way that we have forgotten men can be: truthful, blunt, emotional, non-manipulative, sensitive, compassionate — His inner child so liberated that he did not feel it unmanly to cry. … The gospel portrait of the beloved Child of Abba is that of a man exquisitely attuned to His emotions and uninhibited in expressing them. The Son of Man did not scorn or reject feelings as fickle or unreliable. They were sensitive emotional antennae to which He listened carefully and through which He perceived the will of His Father for congruent speech and action.</i> (p. 70-71)</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">For Jesus, the scriptures and the logical underpinnings of God and life were the backdrop to how he lived. They formed his mores, so to speak, the way to put one foot in front of the other, but it was from his emotions and his prayers that he based his day-to-day and moment-to-moment choices. His prayers were prayers of the heart. In the Garden of Gethsemane, his prayer was so emotional he fell on his face, “And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44). The ways he responded to actual people and situations he encountered — with anger, tears, reprimands, comfort, help, acceptance, companionship — were based on his holy, pure emotions. “Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can only do what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does” (John 5:19 NIV).</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">It has always been a tactic of the enemy of our hearts to suck the life from Scripture, so it will be to us like food made from empty hulls from which we try to gain our nutrients. I don’t believe it was an accident that the Bible was kept unattainably in Latin for so long, or that the archaic English versions reigned for so long in recent times. The inaccessible and dusty quality of the words keep them from penetrating our hearts and from relatably applying to our lives, emotions, relationships, fights and situations today. No less do the droning, starched tones of so many teachers and preachers of the Word dull the razor sharp power of the double-edged sword meant to divide soul and spirit, joint and marrow.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;"><span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” (NASB). “Give you the desires of your heart” can also be translated as: “put in place the petitions of your inner man,” or “set the requests of your heart.” He specifically promises to guide our hearts if we follow Him. So why would we ever dismiss our hearts and the directions in which they prompt us along our paths?</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Emotion is what drives me to love someone when my mind says that maybe it's not worth it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It is in the emotional stirring in my heart that I feel God tell me to turn left, when in my head I’m thinking that left and right could both be viable options, and that perhaps turning right would bring a greater chance of good fortune. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It is in heeding the impulse of emotion that I give from my wallet to someone in need in an online fundraiser, rather than making a list of pros and cons and hashing out my next month’s budget. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Emotion is what stirs worship in my heart, not repeating Bible verses in my mind and how they might apply to my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">It is a burst of anger and/or compassion for someone that drives me to speak up for their intrinsic humanity rather than holding my tongue because of how others might perceive me or how that could affect my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If I didn’t heed the emotional nudges of well-timed words and deeds, so many beautiful moments would never see the light of day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Of course our emotions are fallible. Every part of us is. But I see no basis for a belief that our emotions are any <i>more</i> fallible than our minds or our rationality. Am I able to figure out God using my awesome brain power? Of course not. I also cannot "figure out" God with my heart, but I can meet him and touch him in ways that my mind alone never can.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The Bible is meant to shake us, just as Jesus himself was shaken and shook. He lived a life of passion, deep emotion and godly impulses. He did not walk through life doling our platitudes with a benign smile. Nor did he quote the reliability of rationality, weigh out options in pro-con lists, or whip out Scripture in search of a specific chapter and verse in order to answer the questions he was faced with as he walked through life. He loved his Father, based his life on his truth, regularly prayed heart-wringing, wisdom-seeking, strength-gleaning prayers, and made his choices day by day based on the emotions that stirred in him. And thank God he did.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">In my interactions and relationships today, I would much, much rather heed the words of, and be in the presence of, someone who has never known Scripture, but has been wooed by the Spirit of God than be with someone who knowns Scripture inside and out and who does not allow her heart to be actively led by Him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Peace and Love, </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">S.B.T.</span><br />
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-64554977040596629172017-10-14T21:09:00.001-07:002018-07-03T11:33:42.843-07:00Femininity and Masculinity: Excesses<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">The question <b>"What is the difference</b> between men and women, between masculinity and femininity?" is a big one here at Sherlock Tam. And this is to be the first post in which I <i>attempt</i> to begin answering it. Rather than beginning by looking at the positives, or at what, technically speaking, femininity and masculinity </span><i>are</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">, I'm going to begin by looking at the shadow sides. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-kerning: none;">Femininity and masculinity are not confined to women and men respectively. Every person has a certain breakdown of each. But the problem is not masculinity; the problem is not femininity. The problem is the excesses and inherent weaknesses of each type of being. They both have great and terrible power, the reverberations of which are felt in all spheres of life. Every person is flawed. Every good thing can be turned bad. The excesses of femininity leads to a failure to respect and honor the self, to giving of things that should not be given, and allowing things that should not be allowed. The excesses of masculinity lead to a failure to respect and honor others, to taking things that are not one's to take and pushing all of the boundaries of what is humane. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The excesses of femininity can lead to being locked in ones own head, to codependency, to being overly accommodating, to being silent, to minimizing ourselves, to being passive aggressive, to sadness, worry and weariness. It is a turning inward and a destruction from the inside. It is the dozens of little pills poisoning the body that has never been quite good enough, from within.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The excesses of masculinity are greed, selfishness, pride and taking, they are rape, they are outbursts of anger, they are assault, they are maximizing oneself and minimizing others, they are abuse and murder. It is a turning outward and a destruction from the outside. It is bullets itching to explode from their chamber and into the body of the person that unsettles you. From the outside in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The feminine asks for too much permission as it floats in the unseen, taking everything in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The masculine doesn’t pause for consent, as it only takes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The excesses of femininity lead to internal destruction. The excesses of masculinity lead to external destruction. Perhaps we really are yin and yang. The predominantly feminine among us are not so much “dark” as living in the unseen - and then are greedily mined by those who value only our seen places. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The predominantly masculine among us are not so much “light” as living in the physical realm. They do not really see those of us in the unseen and bulldoze over all they do not value. They fail to value even the unseen parts of themselves. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The more power is inherent in something, the more dangerous it is. The excesses of masculinity have become the most seemingly dangerous on this earth with countless shootings and rapes and molestations and beatings. Femininity has as much power as masculinity, but it not of the same kind. It is not as physical. It is not as seen by the light of day. It is the power of philosophy and spirituality and compassion and interconnection and metaphor and dreams and the nourished soul. And when that power is turned to darkness… it is from thence that all depression, anxiety, self-hatred, shame and despair spring. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">When the feminine is poisoned, dreams perish. Voices and creativity are stifled, dying the wasted death of divine potential. It is the sin of voices unused and stories swallowed. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">When the masculine is poisoned it silences things that should not be silenced, takes and destroys what should never have been taken or destroyed. And in so doing, in its continual pushing, it grows ever more hollow. It expands and explodes like a bomb rushing to prove its potential and leaving nothing in its wake. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Femininity, rather, condenses and collapses like a spent star, leaving a black hole that can never truly be</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> seen.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">In both cases the true self is not utilized. In both cases lie the destruction of life. As with the plants maintaining animal life on earth and the animals maintaining plant life through our continual exhalations, femininity and masculinity need each other to thrive. I don’t pretend to know how, or to know what each truly brings to the table. But we know that much to be true. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I pause there for today.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Happy dreams and happy daylight,</span></div>
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S.B.T.</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-83025015821729471432016-10-09T23:52:00.002-07:002018-07-03T11:28:39.165-07:00Schizorelational: The Unnamed Personality Disorder<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(35, 35, 35); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; color: #232323; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11px; line-height: normal;">
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Schizorelational Personality Disorder</span></b></div>
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The Need for a New Classification</div>
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Many people have tried to fit relationally abusive people into the box of one of the established personality disorders — usually either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial (“Sociopathic”) Personality Disorder. However, neither of these completely fits with the patterns of relationally abusive people. </div>
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I suggest adding a new personality disorder: Abusive Personality Disorder, or Schizorelational Personality Disorder, which I will use interchangeably. It would be classified as a Cluster B personality disorder (dramatic and erratic) alongside Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic and Narcissistic Personality Disorders. As with Antisocial Personality Disorder, Abusive PD would be considered volitional (i.e. behaviors done by choice), which makes it technically a character disorder.</div>
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<b>The Name</b></div>
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The prefix “schizo” means a “split” and is carried by two other diagnosable personality disorders (Schizoid and Schizotypal). </div>
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In Schizorelational PD, the split can be seen in the following ways:</div>
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<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(35, 35, 35); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; color: #232323; font-family: Arial; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica"; line-height: normal;"></span>A split between how they behave when alone with a partner and how they behave in public, with a more positive public persona and then harsh or aloof behavior when in private.</li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(35, 35, 35); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; color: #232323; font-family: Arial; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica"; line-height: normal;"></span>A split between how they behave toward their partner and how they treat others, behaving more unkind, intimidating and unpredictable toward their partner.</li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(35, 35, 35); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; color: #232323; font-family: Arial; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "helvetica"; line-height: normal;"></span>A split between how they present themselves in early stages of a relationship and how they behave in the long-term, which sees a marked increase in disrespect and controlling attitudes.</li>
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<b>Compared to Antisocial Personality Disorder</b></div>
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People with Antisocial Personality Disorder can be abusive, but unlike antisocial people, schizorelational people often do have consciences. They generally lack empathy or feelings of guilt <i>within</i> their abusive relationship, but otherwise they can still feel guilty and have empathy for others. While antisocial people generally display a failure to respond to social norms, schizorelational people often blend in seamlessly with society — in their jobs, churches and communities. The difference in both of these points is seen in the fact that schizorelational people often look for reasons to justify their behavior. They make excuses, try to blame others for inappropriate behavior when it is found out, or in some other way try to cover it up. Someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder would generally do whatever they felt like doing regardless of how it affected anyone. They would not look for ways to justify their behavior, because they view how anyone else may perceive them to be irrelevant — unless of course they needed to use or manipulate that person, and would then use charm or tailored arguments to that end.</div>
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Those with Antisocial PD can also display a reckless disregard for their own safety*, which is certainly not an identifying characteristic of Abusive PD. Antisocial people also often engage in a series of short, intense relationships, while schizorelational people tend to have longer term relationships, which we will examine later. Also missing is the antisocial person's failure to sustain consistent work behavior*, and the frequent presence of criminal records. Again, this <i>can</i> be seen in schizorelational people, as many personality disorders overlap, but as was already mentioned, schizorelational people are often highly functioning members of society, and unidentifiable to anyone not involved in the intimate relationship wherein the abuse is perpetrated.</div>
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<b>Compared to Narcissistic Personality Disorder</b></div>
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People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often known most for their “grandiosity,” which is something that can be entirely absent in people with Abusive Personality Disorder. Some relational abusers can even be very meek and understated. Schizorelational people may even present themselves as inordinately pathetic or to be pitied, or they may execute their abuse with such subtlety that their aims are very difficult to detect. <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">It is often only in the schizorelational person's most intimate relationships that their symptoms are displayed, which can make it difficult, even impossible, to identify from the outside. </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">So while grandiosity can be seen in people with Abusive Personality Disorder, it is not characteristic. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Narcissism can also be defined as an exaggerated sense of self importance**. While people with Abusive PD do tend to be demanding in one way or another, they may also seem to have an average or below average level of ego, and can present as very straightforward or even simple. Narcissists also display a lack of social inhibition, which, as was previously discussed, is certainly not characteristic of Abusive PD, although it can be present. </span></div>
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Characteristics of narcissistic people also include “a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love,” “a belief that he is special and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people,” and “envy of others or belief that others are envious of him”** (DMS-IV). None of these are especially characteristic of Abusive Personality Disorder. </div>
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The DSM-IV also states that narcissists are rarely self-harming, but relational abusers are often known to, if not actually harm themselves, threaten to harm themselves, which is a trait more in line with Borderline Personality Disorder. In an opposite swing from Antisocial PD, those with Narcissistic PD are said to be generally unwilling to resort to physical violence** or to commit crimes, which could be true of an individual with Abusive PD, but many schizorelational people are known to resort to violence, generally with precision methods, to further sharpen their control over the recipient of their abuse. <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Narcissists are further described as often being averse to physical contact with others, which may or may not be the case in Abusive PD. It would be possible for a person to have both Narcissistic PD and Schizorelational PD, but one could also be schizorelational while not fitting the clinical definition of narcissism.</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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There has been a move recently to characterize Narcissistic Personality Disorder as more similar to what could be titled Schizorelational Personality Disorder, although I believe it would be much more precise to add the new classification of Schizorelational Personality Disorder and keep the original definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, rather than stretching the borders of Narcissistic PD to encompass Abusive PD. </div>
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<b>How Does Someone Become Schizorelational</b></div>
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It is unclear exactly how relationally abusive people become so or at what point it becomes part of their character. Many abusers experience fear, trauma or abuse at some point during development, but there are many people with relatively healthy childhoods and nurturing parents who still become schizorelational.</div>
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As with all personality disorders, Schizorelational Personality Disorder is considered incurable, and is generally with someone for life. Psychologists who have studied abusive people have found this to be the case (<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476081694&sr=8-1&keywords=lundy+bancroft" target="_blank">Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft</a> is a great resource). Rarely do those who work with abusers with the aim of resolving the abuse find that such people desire to change or ever truly do so. And as with other recognized personality disorders, there can be overlap between two or more personality disorders. Common concurrent personality disorders to Abusive PD would include: Paranoid, Antisocial, Narcissistic and Anankastic, among others. And as with other Cluster B personality disorders, relationally abusive people are those it would be wisest to avoid in intimate relationships.</div>
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<b>A Description</b></div>
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Unlike most personality disorders, Abusive Personality Disorder is seen primarily, or only, within the context of certain relationships. Schizorelational people are usually serial monogamists. Someone with Abusive PD could have been with the same person from the time they were a teenager until old age, and could have abused that partner throughout all or part of their relationship. Or they could be in one relationship after another, but they are often monogamous relationships (or they will at least convince their partner that the relationship is monogamous), because the desire is for the relationship itself, in which they can exert their will, power, control and whims onto the other party. As with any ‘craft,’ the longer one ‘works’ at a certain project, the more finely honed it becomes. So it is with relationally abusive people. They spend years honing, sculpting, and forming the relationship into whichever twisted mixed bag best suits them. There is a wide spectrum of types of relationally abusive behavior, from sexual abuse to financial abuse to spiritual abuse to verbal (mental and emotional) abuse (which has been examined thoughtfully by <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476081857&sr=8-1&keywords=patricia+evans" target="_blank">Patricia Evans in The Verbally Abusive Relationship</a>). Abusive relationships vary wildly, each with their own specific types of common abuse, but the underlying tactics and goals are always the same. This has been studied and tracked at length, although perhaps less clinically than other personality disorders and mental illnesses. The same attitudes and behaviors can be found in relationally abusive people across the board. And the recipients of said abuse often find huge amounts of commonality when they meet other recipients of abuse with whom to compare notes. This makes Abusive Personality Disorder ripe and ready to be categorized, studied and pathologized, which I believe will only help the human cause. The more people can be made aware of the signs, characteristics and tactics of relationally abusive people, the easier such people will be to identify. This will also hopefully decrease the success of gaslighting, blaming and other abusive behaviors perpetrated by schizorelational people. When all people learn how to identify relationally abusive personalities, the easier they will be to avoid. This is crucial socially as well as in business, religion and politics. Relationally abusive people are always seeking power over, either in the small sphere of an apartment, or in a much larger sphere, such as government. Such people cannot be trusted to put the needs of others before their own.</div>
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It is important to state that schizorelational people can also choose targets for their abuse other than an intimate partner. Their abuse can be perpetrated against one’s child (young or grown), or perpetrated by a child (young or grown) against one’s parent, as well as by bosses onto employees, spiritual leaders or mentors onto those they lead, or with a friendship. Generally speaking, though, if a schizorelational person is in an intimate relationship, they will most certainly be abusive toward their partner in some way. </div>
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It is also important to note that people with Abusive PD are unlikely to be the one ending an intimate relationship. Generally in abusive intimate relationships, the recipient of the abuse is the one who eventually leaves. This usually first requires that the abuse recipient recognize the dynamics of the relationship they had not fully identified previously. One of the most insidious aspects of a relationship with a schizorelational person is the fact that the destructive tendencies of the abusive person are often labeled as relationship issues, communication issues, or something else that was either mutually caused, or could be mutually resolved. This is, of course, not the case. Someone who does not suffer from Schizorelational PD is as unable to change the abusive person as they would be to change any other personality disorder. </div>
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<b>Characteristics </b></div>
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My aim is not to detail the requisite characteristics of Abusive Personality Disorder, but to argue that a separate category in modern psychology and medicine would be useful and would aid in a more precise delineation of personality disorders. </div>
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However, below is a list of possible criteria:</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">1. Desire to have power over their intimate partner, and attempting to control certain aspects of their partner's life or self: what they wear, what they say, what they think, what they feel, their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">friendships, their activities, their finances, their spiritual life, etc.</span><br />
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2. Lacking a healthy level of empathy for the person they abuse</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">3. Intentionally using irrational communication patterns, such as blame shifting, topic diverting or feigning a lack of understanding, which prevent healthy communication</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">4. Speaking unkindly toward their partner with intent to harm or confuse</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">5. Inability to receive contradiction, refusal or criticism from their partner</span><br />
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6. Deliberately withholding affection and approval from their intimate partner, or undermining the efforts of their partner<br />
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7. Increasing unkind behavior to 'punish' their partner when displeased</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">8. Refusing to take responsibility for their own actions, behaviors or attitudes</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">9. Failing to cease damaging behaviors or attitudes directed at their partner, despite occasional breaks in said behavior</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">10. Trying to in some way prevent the abused person from leaving the relationship</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">11. Attempting to skew other people's opinions against their former partner</span></div>
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For more information, see:</div>
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Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft</div>
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The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans</div>
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* http://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/pn.39.1.0025a</div>
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** http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html</div>
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/the-10-personality-disorders</div>
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<a href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier" rel="author">Find me on Google+</a></div>
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<br /></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-82201602877624876332016-03-31T19:06:00.000-07:002018-07-03T11:35:43.412-07:00On Having ‘Job Friends’<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS'; line-height: normal; min-height: 12px;">
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“Men at ease have contempt for misfortune,” Job 12:5</div>
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I had a Job friend once. It took me a while to realize it. It started during the time leading up to my separation from my abusive now-ex-husband. I had been struggling with it for years — multiple marriage counselors, reaching out to friends for advice, trying to figure out what I could and should do… When the shiz finally started hitting the fan, I had one friend in particular who responded to me in ways like “…are you really submitting enough?” “…are you sure you’re respecting him like you should?” And my stories to her of desperation were met with askance-eyed, tight-lipped smiles of “I love you, but…” </div>
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Eventually I started getting knocked upside the head with references to the book of Job. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s about a man whom God allowed to be tormented by satan, so satan proceeded to destroy Job’s family, home, finances and health. He’s left miserable, lonely, destitute and hopeless. Three godly friends of his came to sympathize with him, and it all seemingly started off well, as they sat with him on the ground without doing anything for a solid seven days. This seems like a very compassionate ‘mourn with those who mourn’ kind of gesture. Then they started talking. The majority of the story is those three friends telling Job that he must clearly have deserved everything that was happening to him, that he was somehow to blame, and then Job defending himself. Toward the end there was one young man who gave some good advice, and then God basically said He was super pissed at the three friends, and that Job should pray for them and make sacrifices on their behalf so they could be forgiven. In other words, He was tempted to smite them all, but was being nice.</div>
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When I finally started pondering this at that time, I realized how it related to my own situation, having this friend telling me I must have done something to deserve what was happening in my marriage. And it was encouraging to feel that God was not actually in agreement with or pleased with the patronizing, critical, unhelpful feedback I was receiving. Conveniently, this friend also started finding herself being reminded of Job, although her interpretation was that she was the ‘good friend.’ Everyone thinks they’re the good friend. </div>
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A current close friend of mine has recently been going through a similar situation, and he, too, has been blessed with a Job friend. When he explained to this friend of his about the abuse and misery he had been living with for so long, the friend responded by sending a long missive pleading with him to reconsider his position so he can be 'restored.' If not, this friend mournfully explained, he would be forced to cut him out of his life. Which is basically verbatim what Job’s friends kept saying to him. And saying to him. </div>
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The parallels and unlearned lesson seem painfully clear. And unfortunately, I think this is all too common. Look for a person going through a terrible situation and you can often find (I hate to say it, but especially within the church) someone telling them they must have done something to deserve it — or, in a watered down phrasing, that if they didn’t do A, B, C, things would be better — which means the exact same thing, it just makes the person saying it feel nicer and more logical. Like they're just trying to reasonably point out the flaws in the way the person has been acting, which, again, is the exact same tactic of Job's friends. In fact, in Job, they seem so genuine and concerned and knowledgeable and persuasive that it often goes over my head at first just how crappy they are being to him. But that's coming from a serial apologizer. Plus there's the added benefit of it being super clear they <i>were</i> being jerks to him based on the fact that God said they were being jerks to him, which spares me the necessity of doubting my interpretation. </div>
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This whole tired, 'helpful' unhelpful judgement parade happens to people in abusive relationships, people who have been sexually assaulted or sexually harassed, people who are struggling to get by financially. It happens to people who are victims of racial profiling and physical assault, and even murder. “You know, that’s unfortunate, but…” “If you hadn’t…”</div>
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“Men at ease have contempt for misfortune.” If we translate that into our modern context, it would read “People who have privilege look down on those who suffer from the lack thereof," or, more generally, "People whose lives aren't that difficult look down on those whose lives are." People take their own privilege for granted, and then blame those around them suffering from the imbalance created by their not-God-given legs-up in life. Blaming the poor, blaming victims of assault or abuse, blaming the victims of the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YB7bCvEOr7E" target="_blank">crooked system</a>. Or even as simply as looking at those in lower socioeconomic classes or living in poorer regions of the world as somehow being deserving of their situations. It's prideful and disgusting and very, very common.</div>
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The story of Job is, in large part, a very early tale of victim blaming, and the ending is a clear example of God calling out victim blaming as a clear and blatant <i>sin</i>. How many people within our country, our culture, reply to anyone going through a trauma with censure of some sort, often doled out in trappings of holiness and claims of wishing for better circumstances for those who have unfortunately made such bad choices <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">— t</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">hose people who carry such inherently flawed morality/judgement/work ethic </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">— t</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">hose people who are so different. I've heard the victims of terrorism in Syria being blamed for their genocide because they didn't do a better job of fighting the terrorists off. Black people are blamed for... basically everything, no matter what happens to them. This is not compassion. This is not love. This is not </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">helpful. </i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">That is what the book of Job, I believe, was attempting to make clear. </span></div>
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Regardless of the arguments, the eloquence, the logic, the reasons and refutations. God had the final word and God was clear: the things those 'friends' said were pronounced <i>untrue</i>. </div>
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Peace,</div>
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S.B.T.<br />
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<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-17592618075799882522016-03-29T16:33:00.000-07:002018-07-03T11:36:52.636-07:00The (Hopeful) Rise of the Sensitive Man<br />
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Sensitive men can change the world. </div>
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My children are some of the many to be enchanted by Mr. Rogers. For decades there have been boys and girls who found in Mr. Rogers a loving adult — someone safe, gentle and compassionate. He was someone who worked to understand them and encourage them; that was Fred Rogers’s <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKy7ljRr0AA" target="_blank">goal in creating his show</a> — to provide a loving example and friend for children who might not have any others, and to teach them to understand, acknowledge and manage their feelings. </div>
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When Mr. Rogers appears on the screen, my children smile. They wish he could be one of their friends, and envision him as someone they really know. In reading The World According to Mister Rogers, I discovered that Fred Rogers himself created a character for his show — Mr. McFeely — based on his own grandfather, whom he remembers as kind, loving and influential in his own life. And, as strange as it may seem for a grandfatherly figure we grew up with, (and yet how relatable) Mr. Rogers himself related most to the character of Striped Daniel Tiger, who was a shy, small and nervous tiger cub. The cycle, it seems, repeats itself. And Mr. Rogers's legacy lives on today in a great way. </div>
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Recently, as I have been repeatedly listening to Sufjan Stevens’ album Carrie and Lowell, I am impressed by the emotion and power behind <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMKP2Vcc6wA&spfreload=5" target="_blank">the song “Eugene,”</a> about a grandfatherly man Sufjan befriended as a boy. The impact of the man Eugene is plainly still sketched, painfully, beautifully, indelibly on the man Sufjan. In particular, the song reminds me of my dearest childhood friend — an old man named Mr. Windey. From the time I was a tot until Mr. Windey passed away, his was the home I wanted to visit. His was the lap I wanted to sit upon; his was the belly I wanted to drum. He was a safe place —<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> warm, gentle, lively, and always excited to see me. I wonder how many of us have had our own Eugene. And how many haven’t.</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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The most influential people throughout my life, both emotionally and in terms of strengthening my belief in myself, have been the caring, compassionate men I have met along the way. The occasional friends and teachers who saw something unique in me and called it out. </div>
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Craig was the pastor who lead youth trips during all of my middle school and high school years. I just saw him again a week ago. He always felt to me like a father, and is one of not very many people who has been around for a lot of the less-proud moments and seasons in my life, yet never let those things color his view of me. He has always respected me, valued me (along with the many youth he befriended over the decades), called me higher, and has been neither stingy nor dishonest in the praise he has given — praise delivered with a discerning stare <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">— almost sharp, Dumbledorian —</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">and a warm heart. </span></div>
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There was David, who led the trip I took to Uganda. David is a beautiful man, one I am proud to call a friend. Big and strong, he loves people, is passionate about fighting for human justice around the world, and is brought to tears more easily than almost anyone I have met. Seasoned by his great sensitivity, David has a clarity of vision that is unwavering (unless change is called for by greater understanding). He was another who called me out — called me to a special side-trip in Uganda where I would end up sharpening my public speaking skills and strengthening my self assurance. </div>
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There was Pastor Moses — an entirely unforeseen friend who in many ways colored the Uganda trip for me. He appeared one day, immediately bringing me encouragement about my giftings after hearing me speak, and providing a soft, gentle, kindhearted friendship and belief in me that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, though I may never interact with him again. </div>
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In the trip I recently took to Canada, I was again surprised by a contact/new friend in that place who provided a similar service. Sandy is a big, strong, First Nations man, used to northern winters and hardship of many kinds. But what is most striking about Sandy, alongside his size, is his gentleness. He has great sensitivity and compassion for the people around him, devoting his time and energy to better the lives of the people of his hometown, dropping everything and hurrying home when the community finds itself in a crisis, helping out however he can, and reaching out with his large hands to tenderize the hearts of those who are not yet familiar with the dynamics of that region and people group. There is a fire in him when it comes to injustice, and with that is a patience and a gentleness, and a smile that comes alongside his bass voice that conveys how much he wants people to be happy and well provided for. </div>
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There is something about good men that impacts people. Each time a man stops trying to prove himself, stops trying to conquer, to overpower, to rule, and instead focuses on how best he can benefit those around him, the world changes a little. Each man who is able to live in such a way can season countless lives — old and young — with the love and strength that comes from being valued, rather than being dominated, and with expressions that encourage understanding rather than overriding. </div>
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There is nothing manly about not using one’s mind, not using one’s heart, not understanding, listening, empathizing, helping and showing compassion. The loss of those things is not manly in any sense; it is only sad. </div>
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Certain Bible verses returned to me the other day, seemingly out of nowhere: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Ephesians 3:19 NIV, and “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.” Ephesians 6:4 NIV. I am a firm egalitarian, and as such I believe that neither women nor men have more authority in any situation. I believe women and men are meant to balance each other, in whatever enigmatic way (still pondering that…), but I do believe, and I think it is clear in the context of these sorts of verses, that men can either royally mess things up, or allow things to flourish. As a woman, if I am not having to fight for my own rights, for the respect that I am due as a human, for the voice I need to have in this world… when I don’t have to <i>fight</i> for those things and can instead just be, I will have so much more to give. I will have so much more energy not being wasted on fighting for basic rights, fair treatment, and my own inherent value and validity. That energy can be poured into creating new things, structuring and strengthening established things, and giving the brain and heart power I have to the many people I interact with each day. </div>
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The same is just as true of fathers and the children they raise, except that children are even more impressionable, and as such even more squashable. Paraphrasing a rhetorical question posed by the creators of the television show, Lost: “How many people don’t have father issues?” So many people are crushed or embittered as a child, and often by a father. I think that is what that verse is pleading fathers to avoid. I believe the meaning behind it is the same as a similar verse: “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Ephesians 3:21 NIV. </div>
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Unfortunately, men, as a group, have become known as generally the most power-hungry, the harshest, the most overpowering, and the quickest to abuse their authority. Asshole-ishness tears the world apart. And unfortunately men have the longest history of established asshole-ishness. What can cure this? When men come to understand that they don’t need to compete to show who can break the most things, who can force their way with the most success, who can give the least of a shit… If more men can realize that these things are not strength, they are pettiness, selfishness and weakness of character… </div>
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Sensitivity is strength, because it carries the sorrow of others. It doesn’t make the easy, self-centered choice of refusing to meet the eyes of a person in pain. </div>
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Parents need to raise their sons to understand how crucial it is to empathize, to show compassion, to genuinely listen to and care for others. Fatherhood is a glorious position and opportunity for helping form the hearts and minds of others. The same can be true of friends, neighbors, grandfathers, uncles, coworkers, employers, and the people we pass on the street. This influence that we have needs to be taken more seriously than almost anything. Each one of us can, and will, do some percentage of building up and some percentage of tearing down with the things we do and say in our lives. Let us work to make sure the weight is far in favor of the benefit of individuals, because as go individuals, so goes the world. </div>
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"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it." - Fred Rogers </div>
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I will close with one last thought. Regardless of anyone’s political ideations, there is one clear dichotomy in the presidential election at this point, and it becomes even clearer when one begins to look with the lens of what true manliness can be, compared with how far it has fallen in many ways. It doesn’t take much to see that Bernie Sanders is someone who, in general, as a stance of character, integrity, and value, looks to help those who have lived different experiences from his own, who looks to understand and empathize with those who are different from him. Compared with that, it is painfully obvious that the current leading Republican candidate is the polar opposite of this <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">— a man who works only for his own elevation in every sense.</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Bernie Sanders makes a point of reaching out to and helping those who have had it more difficult than he has. Perhaps that is what men’s muscles are actually for.</span></div>
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Peace,</div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">S.B.T.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></div>
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<br /></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-17733968757445037042016-02-19T18:30:00.001-08:002018-07-03T11:37:36.708-07:00DisenchantedI am disenchanted.<br />
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I see Kesha being legally forbidden to get out of a contract (i.e. get away from) a man who has been raping and abusing her.<br />
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I see Gwyneth being told, regarding the man who has stalked her for years in inappropriate and threatening ways, 'Aw shucks, he's just in love with you.'<br />
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I see <a href="http://blog.unburntwitch.com/post/139084743809/why-i-just-dropped-the-harassment-charges-the-man" target="_blank">Zoe Quinn</a> spending years trying to get some sort of protection from an abusive, vindictive ex who repeatedly sends MRA hordes to her doorstep, without any relief.<br />
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I've seen a woman with a molesting ex being told that he must have visitation with her children.<br />
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I have seen countless women trying to free themselves from abusive situations and being left to flounder - or being outright attacked - by the court system.<br />
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I am one of countless women who has been failed and harmed by a commissioner in my county with a reputation for hating women.<br />
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I, myself, have been told by those within the legal system that spousal abuse is not considered a factor in determining child placement arrangements.<br />
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I have been told that my ex throwing a butcher knife in anger into an adjacent wall when my young daughter and I were in the room didn't matter.<br />
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I am one of many who has been told and shown in numerous ways that I can't be protected or achieve justice against those who want to control and harm me.<br />
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We live in a country in which a well-known racist can hold one of the VERY TOP positions in the JUSTICE system... and there is nothing we can do about it.<br />
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I truly hope that this country can turn it around. Unfortunately, at this point I have little hope that anything I do will make a difference. Not until we value those who are not men; not until we value those who are not white; not until we value those who are not rich. Not until we protect those who need protecting.<br />
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Right now I am disenchanted.<br />
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- S.B.T.<br />
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<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-42188465803757404962015-12-16T13:36:00.003-08:002018-07-03T11:38:24.201-07:00Do You Want to Change?<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal;">
In my experience, prayers for situations to change often do not happen; prayers for a clear path to take often do not happen; prayers for the removal of a sin issue often do not happen (although they all can happen). What seems to <i>always</i> yield good fruit, however, are prayers for changes in a heart issue. When I pray for GOD to give me gratitude, or strength, or respect for myself, I often, if not always, see those prayers answered - and sooner rather than later. It’s almost as if GOD cares less about the cessation of our sins than he does about the state of our souls. It’s almost as if He cares less about <i>what we don’t do</i> than he does about who we are. </div>
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As I thought through this, it struck me that - as we know - our sins are paid for (see: <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+3%3A+21+-+26&version=NIV" target="_blank">Bible</a>). So, essentially, that’s all going to hash out eventually. GOD knows we don’t like our sinning, and He has already dealt with that. But the beauty of the cross didn’t necessarily add the things to our character that we lack. He has removed the things that need to be removed (if we let Him), but that doesn’t mean we have taken the steps to become all that we can be. When we leave this world and enter heaven, I believe our sins will be gone, those broken parts of ourselves will be gone, but that doesn’t mean we will instantaneously become all that we could have become. Someone who was in no way philanthropic will not suddenly become a great philanthropist upon passing through the pearly gates. </div>
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It also struck me that we often try to deal with sin <a href="http://www.doctorofhomeopathy.com/homeopathy-vs-allopathy/" target="_blank">allopathically</a> rather than homeopathically. We look at our sinful arm and try to cut it off. “Whew! Now I can’t do that sin anymore - now that I’m armless!” or we try to fix our selfishness by saying “STOP BEING SELFISH!!!!!!!” But even if these tactics worked, the root cause of the sin still would not be changed. Whatever caused us to sin will still be there, the same as always, and will likely result in other damaging behavior, if the first damaging behavior happens to be adequately dealt with. </div>
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What would be vastly more helpful would be to look deep within ourselves - see what is causing these behaviors and patterns of brokenness and sin. There is some lack or need or wrongly held perception that causes each one of our unfruitful behaviors/attitudes. If we can find those parts of ourselves, get to know them, showing ourselves empathy and understanding, caring even… we can then adjust those deep wounds, those basic misconceptions, maladaptations and wrongly held beliefs (often the very act of realizing them will bring us great steps toward this essential healing) and our actions can then be truly healed - from the inside out. And GOD, I believe, is always more than happy to help, bless, and guide us in this process - if we want Him to. </div>
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If you want any pointers in this area - you’re in luck! These have proved very helpful in my life:</div>
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<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span>Take a month, two months, three months, and journal (you may have to <i>make yourself journal) </i>- going one by one through things that you have either done in the past, or that you still do today that you aren't proud of. But allow yourself to do it without judgment. This isn’t about self-flagellation! Beginning with each of these not-great behaviors or attitudes, search yourself to locate the need you felt that drove said behavior. Write about it. This will both a) help you to have empathy for yourself, and b) bring to light the deeper issues that drive your own personal brand of brokenness (we all have one!).</li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span>When you have gone through Part 1, take the next couple of months to journal about the aspects of yourself you are the most proud of, the things that you enjoy about yourself - the good parts of you. By first shining a light on the shadow side, you will reduce its power - acknowledging and coming to understand it will minimize it <i>and</i> its need to express itself. Then shining a light on the side of your strength and beauty will allow it to flourish. This can also help you see and discern what your gifts are, what things bring you joy, and the ways you could best help others and make the most of your time on earth.</li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span>Ask GOD a question. This is best done somewhere quiet, without distractions. The first question I suggest is: “What misconception am I carrying?” It is a simple question. After asking it, just wait. You may need to do this more than once, or you may get an answer quickly. GOD speaks to people in many varying ways, so be open to however He chooses to speak to you. This is something you can do more than once throughout your life. There will likely always be more misconceptions to uncover. </li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span>Ask Him other questions. My two favorites are: a) “What do I not understand about You?” and b) “What do I not understand about me?” Again, this one will likely be beneficial to do more than just once, and it can bring great alignment to areas of our lives in which we walk around getting blisters because our shoes aren't on the right way.</li>
<li style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="line-height: normal;"></span>As you go through life and through this process, if certain issues about yourself come to light (e.g. <i>I expect too much of myself</i>, or <i>I think too much about myself and not enough about others, </i>or <i>I don't trust that GOD wants the best for me</i>), take those specific issues before GOD. Ask Him to change those parts of you (not “GOD, please help me to stop yelling at my kids,” but “GOD, please help me to stop feeling worthless every time I make a mistake.”) GOD is strong enough to do anything, but if what we want is to continually scrape off the surface grossness of featured sins, we will never really be changed, never really be healed, and we likely won’t ever come to terms with who we truly are - allowing our wounds to heal and gifts to flourish. We also won't be able to become all that GOD can make us… if we learn how to ask the right questions. </li>
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None of these tasks may, necessarily, sound appealing, but they can all bring us huge steps forward in our paths of personal healing, and in correcting our wrongly held beliefs - about ourselves, about life, and about GOD. </div>
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Happy Processing!</div>
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S.B.T.<br />
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<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-66358937073770551582015-07-11T06:46:00.000-07:002018-07-03T11:39:45.272-07:00A Problem with Conservatism<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">A realization hit me recently - a common thread. Conservatism, at least that which is commonly seen in our country (if not in others) is completely saturated with victim blaming. Whether it’s someone being shot by the police, someone being sexually assaulted, or someone being abused by a significant other… in all of these cases, and likely others, they look to the person who was harmed as having brought the harm upon themselves.</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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Of the unarmed people being killed by officers - why weren’t they more obedient, more submissive? If they had done everything the officers had told them to do, that wouldn’t have happened. </div>
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Of the people being raped, groped, drugged, manhandled - why weren’t they hiding more of their bodies? What were they saying? What were they doing? If they had had a higher moral code, and if they hadn’t been tempting the men around them, that wouldn’t have happened.</div>
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Of the people in abusive relationships - in what ways were they inspiring the abuse? What buttons were they pushing? Were they being selfish? Difficult? Contrary? Not submissive enough? How did they <i>fail</i> to prevent it? If they had had a gentle, selfless spirit, they wouldn’t have been treated in those ways. </div>
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This mindset says “Clearly these people have made stupid decisions that we would never have made,” (we assume - never having lived a life other than our own), and then we decide that those things about us that are <i>not</i> like them impart greater value upon us. They mean that we truly do deserve better things than those who are “other.”</div>
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It was pointed out to me recently that in news stories of black people being shot or mistreated by officers, the phrase “he was no saint” is often used. What is implied by this? When discussing women who have been raped - her style of dress, whether she had been drinking, or her sexual history are often seen as relevant - relevant in helping us determine whether or how sorry we ought to feel for her. Just as when an unarmed black man standing ten feet from an officer is shot, that man’s legal record is somehow applicable. And these are situations that are almost exclusively happening to blacks and women. </div>
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Whether it is conscious or not, such people are seen (often, though not always, by conservatives) as “other.” They are seen to be intrinsically and therefore behaviorally disparate - doing things differently from what "we would have done" and therefore inviting those horrors upon themselves. - Those horrors that were willingly committed by people in full control of their actions. </div>
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“He was no saint.” “She was no saint.” You hear these phrases often enough, and you forget about the fact that not long ago, and through large portions of our history, black people, women, and other groups were specifically and academically viewed as less than - less than human, less intelligent, less evolved, of less value. Blacks and women were truly “not saints.” They were the “sinners” to the white male “saint.”</div>
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Ignorance inspires a fear of things that are different from oneself. Pride turns that fear into self-preservation. Selfishness turns that self-preservation in a drive to have more or better things than those who are different. And indifference takes that fear, self-preservation and selfish drive into a mentality that justifies things to which no person should be subject.</div>
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Essentially, victim-blaming means one of two things (or both) of the person espousing such views. Option 1 means that they don’t value people. If horrible things happening to humans is justifiable, it must mean that each person matters very little. Option 2 would be that they value others less than they value themselves. If it’s happening to someone <i>else</i>, well then, she/he must have done something to bring it upon herself/himself. </div>
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But if those victim-blaming people were the ones having guns pointed at them by law enforcement, being sexually assaulted, or being regularly throttled mentally, emotionally or physically by someone in their lives? Well, if Option 1 describes them, they may take it, feel like shit, and feel they must have done something to deserve it. If Option 2 - they would find themselves vehemently arguing that they should never have been subjected to said incident. And <i>in</i> that argument, they would either explain all of the ways in which their behavior did not merit such personal misuse, and in doing so, prove that what they truly believe is Option 1 (if being treated like shit can be justified by any behavior, then ultimately our intrinsic value is insignificant) or they will fall squarely on Option 2, proving that they are hypocritical and selfish.</div>
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Why do we look at anyone being mistreated and look for ways that it’s okay? Why shouldn’t every misuse of a person be outrageous? Must we use our moralizing as one more way to make others feel less than? Why justify the unjustifiable? Why don’t we all look at those who are hurting, who have been wronged (as we all have at one time or another) and look for ways to lift them up, to help them heal, and direct our lectures at those who are doing the harming? </div>
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Does the fact that you have never been raped mean that you’re less slutty than those who have (if you’re a woman)? Less weak (if you’re a man)? Does the fact that your spouse doesn’t mistreat you mean that you’re a nicer person than others? <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Does the fact that you can stand on a sidewalk without being yelled at by an officer mean that you’re a better citizen?</span></div>
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And the most ironic thing of it all is that many conservatives base their views on the Bible - on what they term “Christianity.” But if you look at all of Jesus’ teachings, nowhere does he justify ill treatment of a human - no matter what their preceding actions. He never taught that anyone is accountable for how <i>other</i> people treat them. He <i>always</i> taught that everyone is accountable for their own actions. If a person mistreated someone, he never tried to discern how the other person had inspired the mistreatment. He only looked at the person doing the harm. Even if all you do is internal - hating someone or being angry with someone - you are the one responsible for the fact that you responded that way. The liability of your attitude is completely yours. And if you kill someone, if you rape someone, if you molest someone, if you assault someone, if you berate someone, if you manipulate someone, if you harm someone in any way - the only person responsible is you. The only person who matters in any and all of <i>your</i> behavior is you. </div>
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If we ever want to live in a culture in which we take care of each other instead of taking from each other, in which we live gently instead of violently, we need to stop telling people they are responsible for how others treat them. We need to speak up against the subtle signs of latent or active sexism, racism, judgmentalism, etc. We need to reinforce the concepts that each of us is human - each of us deserves the same (we can't take it for granted that that is understood and believed just because it is 2015). And we need to begin telling everyone that they, and they alone, bear complete responsibility for how they treat every other person. </div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">- S.B.T.</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-9646300503135767882015-06-25T10:51:00.000-07:002018-07-03T11:40:30.499-07:00Divorce Stigma<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
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I want the stigma among Christians regarding divorce to be done away with. I say that as someone who is not a fan of divorce in many situations. </div>
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If it is not needed, then it should definitely be avoided, but if it is needed, it can be the best possible thing for everyone involved - yes, even a positive. It’s like surgery: if it isn’t actually needed, then it’s definitely not a good thing to do, but if it is needed, it can be the best possible thing - yes, even a positive. Divorce and surgery simply are, at times, necessary in this fallen world.</div>
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Divorce is not evil - any more than cutting into someone’s body is evil - when it is required. </div>
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We shouldn’t be giving people scarlet D’s to wear for the rest of their lives (or scarlet anything, for that matter). We need to have compassion. We need to remember that we don’t know everything, especially about other people’s lives and experiences. And we need to remember that most people are trying to make the best choices they possibly can for themselves and for their children. </div>
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Peace,</div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">S.B.T.</span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-53651880652732207952015-03-03T09:03:00.000-08:002018-07-03T11:43:17.003-07:00On Leaving a Marriage (aka the 'D' Word)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Abusers aren’t the ones who leave a marriage. They don’t
leave. They are invested in keeping the subservient person with them, with
maintaining the status quo, with not losing the control they have over the
other person. Not always, but quite often, the person who leaves a marriage is
the person who has been being abused. And the church oftentimes focuses their
reproach on that person – for leaving. And the person clinging to the power and
to the destructive dynamic is treated as holy – as the wronged, longsuffering soul
attempting to protect the sanctity of their marriage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Untold damage can be done, and has been done, by
people speaking out of turn, by giving rote marriage advice without knowing a
great deal of the things that are actually going on. I can think of few areas
but divorce in which people are so often frowned upon, chided and whispered
about. And the people bearing the brunt of this are often the people who have
been struggling for years within a raging sea of toxicity against their self
esteem. These are often people who have spent years being told or treated as
though they are less than, valueless, worthless. These are often people who
have prayed and prayed and struggled and prayed and finally decided that it
would be worth the risk of everyone looking down on them in the hope of
maintaining a modicum of what’s left of their self-respect, their health, their
life… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I don’t believe that God wants marriage to be a jail,
a dungeon, a place of chains and no choices and no way out. In God’s love for
us, He puts us into no obligations, no binding contracts. He has done
EVERYTHING to maintain our free will, our ability to choose Him and love Him at
will. Nothing about Him is forced, nothing is coerced, there is never no way
out. So why would we think that He wants our marriages (with incredibly flawed,
broken people) to be more constricting than His love for us? Why would we think
that the God who sets the captives free wants someone to be bound within the
most intimate of relationships on earth with another person who, in whatever
fashion, is mutilating their soul, making them feel the exact opposites of all
of the things we are told to believe that God thinks of us? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I absolutely believe in the sanctity of marriage,
and I believe that the ideal would be for two people to marry, to remain
faithful, to love, support, help, and bless each other for the rest of their
lives. But the reality is that there are many sick people in the world, and
they do many sick things to each other. You can never know for certain what
someone is like behind closed doors. I believe that couples should value the
bond of marriage to the utmost, and never take it lightly in any way. I believe
that they should do everything in their power to make those relationships work,
but if one person (or both) in a marriage continually harms the other person, despising
who God made them to be and hindering the things God wants to do in them, they
should not be forced (we should not be <i>forcing
them</i>) to remain in chains. Love always wins. Love is always first.
Oppression is the opposite of love. What happens in many marriages is the
opposite of love. And what we as a church do to these people is much more
judgmental, much more condemning, much less accepting, much less helpful and
much less loving than what Jesus demonstrated. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Everyone ought to make each one of their life
decisions with much care and a great amount of prayer. And in our interactions
with other believers, as long as they are truly seeking God and His will, the
obligation for the rest of us is to zip it and love them. And with nonbelievers
our obligation is the same. You never know the damage of ill-placed words on a
person’s life – or on a whole family of people. You have not walked in their shoes.
NEVER forget that He loves them. He is gracious, and He sees all. There are
many things we don’t understand. People’s life experiences is one, and what God
is doing within individual people is another. We need to stop spending so much
time opining on what other people do. Talking can do all the damage, and love
can do all the healing. Stop talking and love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: xx-small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">- S.B.T.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "bookman old style" , "serif"; font-size: small; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier" rel="author">Find me on Google+</a></span></span></div>
Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-50982255424447970422014-08-29T20:07:00.001-07:002018-07-03T11:43:54.681-07:00On Raising Men<div class="MsoNormal">
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Dear Men and Women of the World, Fathers and Mothers,</div>
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I hope you will be conscious of how you raise your boys,
because the next generation’s prevalence of abuse toward women depends on you. You
are raising the boys that will eventually marry my daughters. </div>
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The acceptability of abusive attitudes and behavior is
determined by the way people are raised. Which is not to say that every parent is
responsible for their child’s actions, but overall, our ideologies are
developed in the home.</div>
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It is not beneficial to teach boys and young men to be
tough, to keep from showing emotion, to refrain from expressing themselves. If
a boy is shown that his feelings are not valid, then others’ feelings are also
not valid. If a boy is scorned as weak for showing emotion, then when he
encounters other people expressing emotion, they will also be seen as weak and
worthy of scorn (whether overtly expressed or not). </div>
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The attitude that considers it acceptable to tie a woman’s
value to her looks, to rank women, or to make comments about women’s appearance,
should, with our massively accumulating technological and scientific bodies of
understanding, be as far behind us by now as is the clubbing of a female to
bring her back to one’s cave. </div>
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And really, how far are we from that now, anyway? No
clubbing or hair-pulling in public, sure, but the idea is still prevalent that
a man should be able to pursue the woman he wants until the woman, finally,
relents. The fact that her ideas and desires matter not a fraction less than
his is a sadly lacking concept. Do we laugh and sigh over stories of a woman
showing up at a man’s home or place of business repeatedly until he gives in
and loves her? I think generally she would be called a ‘crazy stalker,’ and
probably a ‘crazy stalker b----.” </div>
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If males are raised to believe that women have equal
importance, all of the various forms of abuse will be far, far less likely. But
still today, many men continue in the belief that either one woman or all women
belong to them, that women owe them something (whatever it may be). </div>
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May we banish forever the phrases “Be a man,” “Don’t be a
baby,” and “Boys will be boys.” I have been around men who tote phrases like
“Bros before hoes,” as if it contains some sort of moral wisdom. To many,
whether they ever define the belief or not, males have more value. Women are
nice prizes for pleasure, while everything that’s really important belongs
within men. And may the negative implication of the phrase “… like a girl” burn
on the same pyre that reduced the science of Nazi physiognomy to ash and
bizarre memory. </div>
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And of course, as important as subtracting the inhumane is
adding the necessary. We need to teach boys to view females as having equally
important voices, equally valid opinions, and being equally capable of doing
all of the things boys may want to do. We need to teach boys the massive
importance of being respectful, and the unacceptability of controlling others,
inhibiting others, and abuse of power. We need to teach boys that they are important,
and that everyone else in the world is just as important as they are. We need
to teach boys defend those who need help and to speak up when someone is being
mistreated. </div>
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Because their voices are important. Despite all of the
stories I’ve heard, conversations I’ve shared, and articles and blog posts I’ve
read by women about the things we do and don't deserve, one of the things that most impacted me was hearing Joss Whedon give
a speech about powerful women. It made me cry. Because although a man’s opinions
do not actually mean any more than a woman’s, in a culture where people are raised, at least subconsciously, believing that men are in charge, that they are the
rulers, that they are smarter and are our leaders – even to someone who abhors
the idea – part of it seeps in. Part of it stains. Part of it maintains and persists and perpetuates. And
so until we can truly reach that place where women completely believe themselves to be no
less, to have just as much of all of the good things as men, until we can reach the
place where men’s voices and women’s voices have incontrovertibly equal weight – until we
get there, the weight men carry in their voices can do enormous good, have
enormous impact, and help the world to finally get where it needs to be. </div>
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If men are willing to make themselves less – to bring themselves down to an equal footing with those often, erroneously viewed as lesser, if men will stop trying to control,
stop trying to cling to the power they think they deserve or want, and begin
trying to serve, to listen, to love, to help, they will be able to do immeasurable good
in countless lives. </div>
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Of the men and women who served along the underground railroad
in the 1800s, none of them had the obligation to spend that time, to sacrifice
those resources, to do that work and put themselves in that danger. Our nation
didn’t need people flogging themselves over the horrors being committed, what
it needed was people who cared, and people who were willing to get down and
dirty and do the hard, messy, dangerous work of taking something that was wrong and
misaligned and working to align it. </div>
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The state of our society <i>can
</i>improve, but it will not come about through moderate, mild, meek
disapproval of the brokenness that is so dispersed. We should not be violent in
the cause of human rights, but we should be strong, persistent, intentional,
and we should not be silent. We have the potential to improve the environment
in which billions of females, males, and all of the successive generations will
live.</div>
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As we improve, while we mustn’t forget all of the things
that have been put onto and taken away from countless females for so much of our history,
we ought to wonder with incredulity at the ignorance and inhumanity that
allowed it ever to happen. </div>
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- S.B.T.<br />
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<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-20647456129130369342014-02-23T13:36:00.001-08:002018-07-03T11:44:56.622-07:00Because We Need to Talk More About Woody Allen<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">“We live in a world that
historically does not believe survivors over their perpetrators.” – Tavi Gevinson<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">When I read that, it hit
me like a timely, beautiful, well-portioned sack of potatoes. “Yes!” I thought.
“That is what happens.” It’s an apt description of what happened to me, and, as
I read that, I realized that even I am guilty of it occasionally.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">She continues: “This is
made possible by a flawed justice system where 97% of rapists will never spend
a day in jail, and informed by a culture that encourages survivors to be
silent, as 60% of rapes go unreported. Let alone when the perpetrator in
question is male, wealthy, famous and has offices of publicists working for
him.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I read more about the
Dylan Farrow situation and, although I have never experienced what she did (thank God), the things I have experienced, thought, and been told line
up neatly to the unfortunate experiences she has had in the aftermath of her
trauma.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I was in an abusive
marriage for years before I realized I was in an abusive marriage. And while
trying to rebuild my life, forge friendships, and explore just what the heck
happened to me, (since I’m still not entirely sure – if it had been clear, I
would not have stood for it in the first place) one response I have heard
several times is: “Well, I wasn’t there,” or “I only know your side of the
story.” But here’s the thing: either I’m telling you a lie, or I’m telling you
the truth. Of course, different people have different perceptions, but there is
no <i>sort-of</i> being abused. It’s either
abuse or it isn’t. And if it wasn't abuse, then I must be lying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I would say that 99.9% of people in the world would never choose to fabricate something as
painful as being abused. It’s not something people do, on the whole. Either
I’m lying to you or I’m not. So ask yourself: Am I (or is Dylan, or is the person
you know) a pathological liar? Do I (does she) have a history of accusing
people of things that never took place? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">If you’re a person living
in a place that has people in it, odds are good that you know someone in an
abusive relationship. And in terms of these people with whom you probably interact on a regular basis, generally, if you’ve gotten to know someone, a personality
like that would be pretty easy to identify. It would also be a far, far more difficult
breed to find than are victims of abuse</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">As <a href="http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/02/i-believe-dylan-farrow.html" target="_blank">Ann Friedman said</a>:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="border: 1pt none; color: #222222; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%; padding: 0in;">While all the caveats about not knowing the
family personally apply, I<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">do<span class="apple-converted-space"> know
several women who have experienced sexual violence that is not dissimilar from
what Dylan describes. I don’t know a single woman who has made up lies about
such violence in order to gain something. And, probably just as important, I
don’t know any men who have been falsely accused of committing such crime. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span class="apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span class="apple-converted-space">…‘If
you are saying things like ‘We can’t really know what happened’ and
extra-specially pleading on behalf of the extra-special Woody Allen, then you
are saying that his innocence is more presumptive than hers.’ By this standard,
a lot of people — many of them journalists —<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span>are frighteningly quick to presume women are guilty when they speak out
against older, powerful men.” </span><span style="color: #292f33; font-family: "courier new"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://thenewinquiry.com/blogs/zunguzungu/woody-allens-good-name/" target="_blank">Aaron Bady says</a>: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">Woody Allen cannot be presumed to be innocent of
molesting a child unless she is presumed to be lying to us. His presumption of
innocence can only be built on the presumption that her words have no
credibility, independent of other (real) evidence, which is to say, the
presumption that her words are not evidence. If you want to vigorously claim
ignorance – to assert that we can never know what happened in that attic – then
you must ground that lack of knowledge in the presumption that what she has
said doesn’t count, and we cannot believe her story.</span> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">…We are in the midst of an ongoing, quiet epidemic
of sexual violence, now as always. We are not in the midst of an epidemic of
false rape charges</span>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">He goes on to say:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">All things being equal, the explanation that
doesn’t require you to imagine a conspiracy of angry women telling lies for no
reason is probably the right one.</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #010101; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">In a rape culture, there is no burden on us to
presume that she is not a liar, no necessary imperative to treat her like a
person whose account of herself can be taken seriously. It is important that we
presume he is innocent. It is not important that we presume she is not making
it all up out of female malice. In a rape culture, you can say things like “We
can’t really know what really happened, so let’s all act as if Woody Allen is
innocent (and she is lying).” In a rape culture, you can use your ignorance to
cast doubt on her knowledge; you can admit that you have no basis for casting
doubt on Dylan’s statement, and then you can ignore her account of herself. A
famous man is not speaking, so her testimony is not admissible evidence. His
name is Woody Allen, and in a rape culture, that good name must be shielded and
protected. What is her name?</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><a href="http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/an-imbalance-of-power-the-woody-allen-and-dylan-farrow-controversy/" target="_blank">Molly Lambert says</a>:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">Allen’s team has consistently
pushed the idea that Mia Farrow is acting out of jealousy and some kind of
scary womanly rage. The push to make Mia Farrow seem irrational is eerily
reminiscent of what her character goes through in </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i style="box-sizing: border-box;">Rosemary’s Baby</i>. Dylan Farrow lives in a world where people have
consistently told her that her experiences didn’t happen, that her own memories
don’t count. It’s what the system told her when she was 7, and now it’s what
Allen’s defenders are doing again.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">…Defending someone accused of a
heinous crime with the platform “He’s always been cool to me!” is not an
effective argument. Abusers don’t abuse everyone in sight, nor do they
necessarily pick the most obvious targets. Abuse of power is extremely complex.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "courier new"; line-height: 115%;">It’s about power imbalances between
adults and children, old men and young women, men and women in general. It’s
about whose voice gets listened to in a conversation, whose experience is
considered more valid and why. “I know it’s ‘he said, she said,’” Dylan told
the </span><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><i style="box-sizing: border-box;">New York Times</i>‘ Nicholas Kristof. “But, to me, it’s black and
white, because I was there.”</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s shameful that large
numbers of people in our society are taking up the mantle of the abusive behavior
that has already been poured on this woman for years – saving Woody Allen the trouble
of having to waste energy continuing to abuse her himself. Crazymaking – pushing the belief that the victim is confused or unstable, that she doesn’t know truth
from fiction, that she can’t be relied upon to accurately recall the events of
her own life – is classic psychological abuse. So congratulations to all of the
journalists and humans who have taken such an honorable position next to that
man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">What does it mean when you
say you don’t know both sides of the story? Why is someone needed to verify the
legitimacy of someone else’s experience? Who else could speak to one’s own experience
more clearly than that person? Certainly not someone accused of having purposefully
and methodically harming another human. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">And in any abuse case,
what could the other person possibly say that would justify the situation? It’s
not like “Oh, that was abusive… unless you did thus-and-such, in which case it’s
not that bad.” That’s not a thing. It doesn’t matter what someone said, or how
hurt you were, what her tone of voice was, how she looked at you, how much you
think she was flirting with that other guy, how dirty the house was, or how
cold your dinner. Nothing gives one human being the right to intentionally harm
another human being, whether by word or deed. Just like it doesn’t matter what
a woman had consumed, what she was wearing, how she looked at you, or how much
you thought she was flirting with you. Nothing gives one human being the right
to force themselves upon another human being. And stepping far aside from these
two statements you take a poor 7-year-old girl in an attic with her father. But
some people would rather take that girl and abuse her further, because
they don’t want to have to change the way they look at someone else. I’m sorry
(no I’m not – stop it S.T.) but that is selfish.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">You are either actively
seeking out ways to protect people who are being victimized – to help them find
safety, protection, support, peace and healing, or you are seeking out reasons to disregard
the pain and experiences of those who have been harmed. If you choose not to
care, you are putting yourself in the second category by default. Because abuse
cannot be ignored. Ignoring abuse is the same thing as tolerating it. You either
want to help those who are hurt, or you would rather not.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">And on the off-chance that
Dylan Farrow reads this, I just want to say: I believe you. To every child who
has ever been sexually abused in any way: I believe you. To any woman who has
ever been raped: I believe you. To every woman who has ever, whether
emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually, been abused by her partner: I
believe you. It did happen. It is real (or was). Your pain is legitimate, and
it matters. My heart goes out to you. Speak your truth, and from the ashes of whatever
may have been destroyed, pull love, pull health, pull beauty, pull truth, pull
compassion, pull resilience. Many things can be taken from us, but no one can
stop us from taking destruction and constructing from it something taller,
something stronger, something wiser, something more loving and even more pure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Carry on. But carry on
changed.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 14px;">- S.B.T.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; caret-color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-size: 14px;"><a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></span></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 10.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7148691576331165368.post-36842214029792149712014-02-23T13:20:00.000-08:002018-07-03T11:45:35.138-07:00You Should Smile More<div class="MsoNormal">
“Smile!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You should smile more.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those phrases have been the bane of my existence for what has
probably been my entire life. In childhood, teenager-hood, and now adulthood, I
can’t recall the number of times I’ve been told something similar. Actually, I get
it less now that I’m an adult. Maybe I’ve gotten better at smiling, or maybe I’ve
perfected an unspoken “don’t-tell-me-to-smile” vibe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being told to smile has always been a pet
peeve of mine. I can’t remember ever <i>not</i>
being bothered by it. Sometimes I’ve had to pretend I didn’t mind, and
that it was in fact “good life advice.” When I was working, for example. And
don’t get me wrong – I don’t spend my time scowling at everyone. At least, not
intentionally. I’m not exactly in control of what I look like. Which is kind of
the point. Some people are naturally smiley, and some are not. Some people use
a lot of hand gestures, and some do not. Some people have naturally loud
speaking voices, and others occasionally spit on people. I might be thinking of
camels. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the way I was born, the way I have always been, and the
way I may very well continue to be throughout my life, is as someone who doesn’t
naturally do a lot of smiling and laughing. Of course, I <i>do</i> both of those things, just not as often as some people would
like. To which I respond with a rousing shrug. I’m stoic; sue me. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I sit thinking about this issue, I realize that while I’ve
been told I need to smile more countless times by peers and adults as I was
growing up, never would anyone younger than me venture to recommend what I
should do with my face as I go about living and being alive. And it’s not too
difficult to figure out why. Someone who is notably younger than me, for the
most part, is going to assume that I know what I’m doing – that I’m doing what
I’m doing for a reason, even if that reason is simply “this is who I am and is
what my face looks like.” Generally speaking, they would never presume to tell
me how I should look. Or feel. I’m not exactly sure which one smiling is more
indicative of. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tell you this so you understand that how irritated I was in the
past in no way compares to how I felt when I heard someone mention that they
have never heard that happen to a male. Never. And neither have I. In fact, as I tried to imagine a male being told to smile more, it simply didn't make sense in my brain. And that makes me mad. Just try wrapping your head around the
implications that contains. I’ve tried doing so, but I get interrupted by my stomach
wanting to uppercut the thing I’m trying to wrap my head around. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I boil it down, the only concept I can find is that
women are basically mood lighting. Not only are we decorative, ornamental, but
we exist to alter the atmosphere to whatever is most pleasing to others. And by
others, I mostly mean men. As I sit here typing this, I’m trying to scroll
through my memories of this occurring, and even though most have
been lost in the fog of childhood/adolescence, and then shrouded by the annoyance
that inevitably followed, I’m pretty sure that at least a majority of the
people who have said this to me have been male. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What could possibly be going through the minds of people,
especially adults, especially adult males, to make them think they are
qualified and welcome to comment on a young female’s facial positioning? The
burden of pleasing others with all of one’s nuances should not be placed on any
young girl. It is no one’s job to alter the way they feel or look to please
those around them. If you see a young girl absorbed in books, interested in
engaging in thoughtful conversation, lost in thought, or simply people-watching
– observing the world, wouldn’t your words be put to much better use affirming
her mind, her process, her attention to the world or to ideas, rather than on
commenting on what you think her face should be doing? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And let’s take for a moment the possibility
that wanting a woman to smile could have more to do with how she feels than how
she looks. How much more presumptive is it to tell another person to change how they are feeling? And these comments usually haven't come from people who are super close
to me - not uncommonly from complete strangers. And these comments usually only come during casual interactions. Are a female’s emotions so
small, so throwaway, so not-her-own, that they can be directed at will to whatever
most pleases everyone with whom she crosses paths? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I have yet to ask why it is so much more important for
females to smile than males. Do we still see males as, basically, more serious – and following the trail of illogical assumptions: more intelligent and useful in the world? Are women
still the charming side-kicks, useful for their luminosity, their
breath-of-fresh-air-ness, their cheerful hugginess? Should I add in a reference
to pies? (And I am a fan of baking.) Not that any of those things are bad, of
course, but why is that our job? Why can’t it be our job to ponder and question
and wonder and process and delve and disagree and organize and change and build and create and expand and sustain? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sure there are people reading this who can feel my pain.
And if you can't, please think a little bit (or a lot) next time you want to tell
someone else what expression they should be wearing. Think about what the purpose
of that other person is – what their <i>actual</i>
purpose may be, and what purpose you are ascribing to them in relation to yourself, the environment you're both in, and the world at large. Think about the burdens you intend to place on a gender,
on the next generation. Maybe there are a few things you are not entitled to, a few things you should be asking for less, and a few other things you should be
looking for more. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is no one's job to soothe and uplift everyone with whom they interact, and it is a very presumptive thing indeed to make someone feel insecure about how they appear, especially based on how happy it's making a random passerby. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you feel like smiling, then by all means, do it to your
heart’s content. And if you do not, don’t worry about it. Go on doing whatever
it was you were doing that brought you enjoyment and fulfillment. Your job
is to be you, regardless of how others feel about it. If they aren’t enjoying
their feelings, that’s theirs to tend to. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
- S.B.T.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a rel="author" href="https://plus.google.com/u/1/+MeganMercier">Find me on Google+</a></div>Sherlock Tamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17735019242849089898noreply@blogger.com0