Because We Need to Talk More About Woody Allen

“We live in a world that historically does not believe survivors over their perpetrators.” – Tavi Gevinson

When I read that, it hit me like a timely, beautiful, well-portioned sack of potatoes. “Yes!” I thought. “That is what happens.” It’s an apt description of what happened to me, and, as I read that, I realized that even I am guilty of it occasionally.

She continues: “This is made possible by a flawed justice system where 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail, and informed by a culture that encourages survivors to be silent, as 60% of rapes go unreported. Let alone when the perpetrator in question is male, wealthy, famous and has offices of publicists working for him.”

I read more about the Dylan Farrow situation and, although I have never experienced what she did (thank God), the things I have experienced, thought, and been told line up neatly to the unfortunate experiences she has had in the aftermath of her trauma.

I was in an abusive marriage for years before I realized I was in an abusive marriage. And while trying to rebuild my life, forge friendships, and explore just what the heck happened to me, (since I’m still not entirely sure – if it had been clear, I would not have stood for it in the first place) one response I have heard several times is: “Well, I wasn’t there,” or “I only know your side of the story.” But here’s the thing: either I’m telling you a lie, or I’m telling you the truth. Of course, different people have different perceptions, but there is no sort-of being abused. It’s either abuse or it isn’t. And if it wasn't abuse, then I must be lying.

I would say that 99.9% of people in the world would never choose to fabricate something as painful as being abused. It’s not something people do, on the whole. Either I’m lying to you or I’m not. So ask yourself: Am I (or is Dylan, or is the person you know) a pathological liar? Do I (does she) have a history of accusing people of things that never took place?

If you’re a person living in a place that has people in it, odds are good that you know someone in an abusive relationship. And in terms of these people with whom you probably interact on a regular basis, generally, if you’ve gotten to know someone, a personality like that would be pretty easy to identify. It would also be a far, far more difficult breed to find than are victims of abuse.

As Ann Friedman said:

While all the caveats about not knowing the family personally apply, I do know several women who have experienced sexual violence that is not dissimilar from what Dylan describes. I don’t know a single woman who has made up lies about such violence in order to gain something. And, probably just as important, I don’t know any men who have been falsely accused of committing such crime. 

…‘If you are saying things like ‘We can’t really know what happened’ and extra-specially pleading on behalf of the extra-special Woody Allen, then you are saying that his innocence is more presumptive than hers.’ By this standard, a lot of people — many of them journalists — are frighteningly quick to presume women are guilty when they speak out against older, powerful men.”

Aaron Bady says:

Woody Allen cannot be presumed to be innocent of molesting a child unless she is presumed to be lying to us. His presumption of innocence can only be built on the presumption that her words have no credibility, independent of other (real) evidence, which is to say, the presumption that her words are not evidence. If you want to vigorously claim ignorance – to assert that we can never know what happened in that attic – then you must ground that lack of knowledge in the presumption that what she has said doesn’t count, and we cannot believe her story.

…We are in the midst of an ongoing, quiet epidemic of sexual violence, now as always. We are not in the midst of an epidemic of false rape charges.

He goes on to say:

All things being equal, the explanation that doesn’t require you to imagine a conspiracy of angry women telling lies for no reason is probably the right one.

In a rape culture, there is no burden on us to presume that she is not a liar, no necessary imperative to treat her like a person whose account of herself can be taken seriously. It is important that we presume he is innocent. It is not important that we presume she is not making it all up out of female malice. In a rape culture, you can say things like “We can’t really know what really happened, so let’s all act as if Woody Allen is innocent (and she is lying).” In a rape culture, you can use your ignorance to cast doubt on her knowledge; you can admit that you have no basis for casting doubt on Dylan’s statement, and then you can ignore her account of herself. A famous man is not speaking, so her testimony is not admissible evidence. His name is Woody Allen, and in a rape culture, that good name must be shielded and protected. What is her name?

Molly Lambert says:

Allen’s team has consistently pushed the idea that Mia Farrow is acting out of jealousy and some kind of scary womanly rage. The push to make Mia Farrow seem irrational is eerily reminiscent of what her character goes through in Rosemary’s Baby. Dylan Farrow lives in a world where people have consistently told her that her experiences didn’t happen, that her own memories don’t count. It’s what the system told her when she was 7, and now it’s what Allen’s defenders are doing again.

…Defending someone accused of a heinous crime with the platform “He’s always been cool to me!” is not an effective argument. Abusers don’t abuse everyone in sight, nor do they necessarily pick the most obvious targets. Abuse of power is extremely complex.

It’s about power imbalances between adults and children, old men and young women, men and women in general. It’s about whose voice gets listened to in a conversation, whose experience is considered more valid and why. “I know it’s ‘he said, she said,’” Dylan told the New York Times‘ Nicholas Kristof. “But, to me, it’s black and white, because I was there.”

It’s shameful that large numbers of people in our society are taking up the mantle of the abusive behavior that has already been poured on this woman for years – saving Woody Allen the trouble of having to waste energy continuing to abuse her himself. Crazymaking – pushing the belief that the victim is confused or unstable, that she doesn’t know truth from fiction, that she can’t be relied upon to accurately recall the events of her own life – is classic psychological abuse. So congratulations to all of the journalists and humans who have taken such an honorable position next to that man.

What does it mean when you say you don’t know both sides of the story? Why is someone needed to verify the legitimacy of someone else’s experience? Who else could speak to one’s own experience more clearly than that person? Certainly not someone accused of having purposefully and methodically harming another human.

And in any abuse case, what could the other person possibly say that would justify the situation? It’s not like “Oh, that was abusive… unless you did thus-and-such, in which case it’s not that bad.” That’s not a thing. It doesn’t matter what someone said, or how hurt you were, what her tone of voice was, how she looked at you, how much you think she was flirting with that other guy, how dirty the house was, or how cold your dinner. Nothing gives one human being the right to intentionally harm another human being, whether by word or deed. Just like it doesn’t matter what a woman had consumed, what she was wearing, how she looked at you, or how much you thought she was flirting with you. Nothing gives one human being the right to force themselves upon another human being. And stepping far aside from these two statements you take a poor 7-year-old girl in an attic with her father. But some people would rather take that girl and abuse her further, because they don’t want to have to change the way they look at someone else. I’m sorry (no I’m not – stop it S.T.) but that is selfish.

You are either actively seeking out ways to protect people who are being victimized – to help them find safety, protection, support, peace and healing, or you are seeking out reasons to disregard the pain and experiences of those who have been harmed. If you choose not to care, you are putting yourself in the second category by default. Because abuse cannot be ignored. Ignoring abuse is the same thing as tolerating it. You either want to help those who are hurt, or you would rather not.

And on the off-chance that Dylan Farrow reads this, I just want to say: I believe you. To every child who has ever been sexually abused in any way: I believe you. To any woman who has ever been raped: I believe you. To every woman who has ever, whether emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually, been abused by her partner: I believe you. It did happen. It is real (or was). Your pain is legitimate, and it matters. My heart goes out to you. Speak your truth, and from the ashes of whatever may have been destroyed, pull love, pull health, pull beauty, pull truth, pull compassion, pull resilience. Many things can be taken from us, but no one can stop us from taking destruction and constructing from it something taller, something stronger, something wiser, something more loving and even more pure.

Carry on. But carry on changed.


- S.B.T.



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