“Smile!”
“You should smile more.”
Those phrases have been the bane of my existence for what has
probably been my entire life. In childhood, teenager-hood, and now adulthood, I
can’t recall the number of times I’ve been told something similar. Actually, I get
it less now that I’m an adult. Maybe I’ve gotten better at smiling, or maybe I’ve
perfected an unspoken “don’t-tell-me-to-smile” vibe.
Being told to smile has always been a pet
peeve of mine. I can’t remember ever not
being bothered by it. Sometimes I’ve had to pretend I didn’t mind, and
that it was in fact “good life advice.” When I was working, for example. And
don’t get me wrong – I don’t spend my time scowling at everyone. At least, not
intentionally. I’m not exactly in control of what I look like. Which is kind of
the point. Some people are naturally smiley, and some are not. Some people use
a lot of hand gestures, and some do not. Some people have naturally loud
speaking voices, and others occasionally spit on people. I might be thinking of
camels.
But the way I was born, the way I have always been, and the
way I may very well continue to be throughout my life, is as someone who doesn’t
naturally do a lot of smiling and laughing. Of course, I do both of those things, just not as often as some people would
like. To which I respond with a rousing shrug. I’m stoic; sue me.
As I sit thinking about this issue, I realize that while I’ve
been told I need to smile more countless times by peers and adults as I was
growing up, never would anyone younger than me venture to recommend what I
should do with my face as I go about living and being alive. And it’s not too
difficult to figure out why. Someone who is notably younger than me, for the
most part, is going to assume that I know what I’m doing – that I’m doing what
I’m doing for a reason, even if that reason is simply “this is who I am and is
what my face looks like.” Generally speaking, they would never presume to tell
me how I should look. Or feel. I’m not exactly sure which one smiling is more
indicative of.
I tell you this so you understand that how irritated I was in the
past in no way compares to how I felt when I heard someone mention that they
have never heard that happen to a male. Never. And neither have I. In fact, as I tried to imagine a male being told to smile more, it simply didn't make sense in my brain. And that makes me mad. Just try wrapping your head around the
implications that contains. I’ve tried doing so, but I get interrupted by my stomach
wanting to uppercut the thing I’m trying to wrap my head around.
When I boil it down, the only concept I can find is that
women are basically mood lighting. Not only are we decorative, ornamental, but
we exist to alter the atmosphere to whatever is most pleasing to others. And by
others, I mostly mean men. As I sit here typing this, I’m trying to scroll
through my memories of this occurring, and even though most have
been lost in the fog of childhood/adolescence, and then shrouded by the annoyance
that inevitably followed, I’m pretty sure that at least a majority of the
people who have said this to me have been male.
What could possibly be going through the minds of people,
especially adults, especially adult males, to make them think they are
qualified and welcome to comment on a young female’s facial positioning? The
burden of pleasing others with all of one’s nuances should not be placed on any
young girl. It is no one’s job to alter the way they feel or look to please
those around them. If you see a young girl absorbed in books, interested in
engaging in thoughtful conversation, lost in thought, or simply people-watching
– observing the world, wouldn’t your words be put to much better use affirming
her mind, her process, her attention to the world or to ideas, rather than on
commenting on what you think her face should be doing?
And let’s take for a moment the possibility
that wanting a woman to smile could have more to do with how she feels than how
she looks. How much more presumptive is it to tell another person to change how they are feeling? And these comments usually haven't come from people who are super close
to me - not uncommonly from complete strangers. And these comments usually only come during casual interactions. Are a female’s emotions so
small, so throwaway, so not-her-own, that they can be directed at will to whatever
most pleases everyone with whom she crosses paths?
And I have yet to ask why it is so much more important for
females to smile than males. Do we still see males as, basically, more serious – and following the trail of illogical assumptions: more intelligent and useful in the world? Are women
still the charming side-kicks, useful for their luminosity, their
breath-of-fresh-air-ness, their cheerful hugginess? Should I add in a reference
to pies? (And I am a fan of baking.) Not that any of those things are bad, of
course, but why is that our job? Why can’t it be our job to ponder and question
and wonder and process and delve and disagree and organize and change and build and create and expand and sustain?
I’m sure there are people reading this who can feel my pain.
And if you can't, please think a little bit (or a lot) next time you want to tell
someone else what expression they should be wearing. Think about what the purpose
of that other person is – what their actual
purpose may be, and what purpose you are ascribing to them in relation to yourself, the environment you're both in, and the world at large. Think about the burdens you intend to place on a gender,
on the next generation. Maybe there are a few things you are not entitled to, a few things you should be asking for less, and a few other things you should be
looking for more.
It is no one's job to soothe and uplift everyone with whom they interact, and it is a very presumptive thing indeed to make someone feel insecure about how they appear, especially based on how happy it's making a random passerby.
If you feel like smiling, then by all means, do it to your
heart’s content. And if you do not, don’t worry about it. Go on doing whatever
it was you were doing that brought you enjoyment and fulfillment. Your job
is to be you, regardless of how others feel about it. If they aren’t enjoying
their feelings, that’s theirs to tend to.
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